Friday, October 14, 2011 – I Don’t Understand!

Last night was a first… in this Land of Firsts. Wednesday and Thursday were busy days… busy at the office, busy at home trying to keep up with preparing the Journey to Transformation Beginner’s Course materials, trying to work on my book and trying to get “Thank You” cards out. Fixing meals, and keeping up with bills. Last night I even gave myself a treat, and went to DQ for a small hot fudge sunday… with extra hot fudge (That was one of her favorites!) But Thursday night… after those two busy days, as I prepared for bed, now the house dark and just the closet light on, this gigantic wave came over me. The expression was simply, “Lord, I don’t understand!” “I don’t understand, why this has happened, I don’t understand why you let this happen! You know I love you, you know I know you are good and faithful, but I don’t understand why this happened!”  And it began.

Wave after wave of weeping, and sobbing. Not the neat gentle kind… the wrenching, nose dripping, unstoppable kind that come from so deep within, you’re almost astonished at where this is coming from.

And then, the thought again… “She never said “Good bye.” “She never said anything to me.” It was that great sense of loss, that things happened so fast and she was then so consumed with the tiredness and the lack of awareness, that she never really said her “Good bye’s” to me. She never had a chance to just speak words of “Good bye,” and there was this overwhelming sense of loss from that. And so the crying out continued, on, and on…Loud enough, that behind all of it, my mind was hoping the neighbors wouldn’t hear it. Thankful that, if I had still been in the apartment, everyone would have heard!

About the time, my energy seemed to be sapped completely, and there was a lull in those waves… I would no more than catch my breath, and it would come again… great, noisy, messy, loud cries from the depth of my soul. It continued on, twenty minutes, forty minutes… over and over, they came.

It is not that my faith is being tested as such. My trust in God remains sure and firm. I am not having a crisis of faith. I know that my heavenly Father loves me, that he is good, and gracious, and loving, and will redeem all of this, but the question that screamed from deep, deep within, was simply “WHY? I DON’T UNDERSTAND!” As I lay on the bed, in the darkness, I wanted God to wake me up from this dream and bring her back from whatever vacation she is on.

This was a first. Not the wailing and crying… but last night was really the first night with such intensity that I cried myself to sleep. I know that the crying lasted a good hour, but I’m not really sure when I finally fell asleep. And when I awoke this morning, there was still that momentary sense that I need to not disturb her. But of course, she wasn’t there. What was there was this residue on my eyelids from the salty tears that had soaked my pillow and sheets the night before.

And so, another day in the Land of Firsts. Another day to try to accomplish what I can, knowing that I labor with a handicap. Trusting that my Father in heaven will be with me. He promises that he heals the broken hearted, and binds up their wounds. So, here I am, Lord. Give me strength to not have one of those fits in public, PLEASE!

Yup, it’s a land of firsts. T
I know there is a glow on the horizon, it is the glow of a new day, new experiences, new mercies, and new depths in my walk. I know I am not alone in this new land. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff comfort me. (Ps. 23: 4). Yet I walk now with a limp.

… till next time!

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2 thoughts on “Friday, October 14, 2011 – I Don’t Understand!

  1. Powerful. Poignant. So real and honest. Thank you. It reminds me much of C.S. Lewis' book "A Grief Observed." For what it's worth, this is good, healthy grieving – – an essential process toward resolution. One must go through it to reach the other side. But it's so hard. . . thank God He is with us and He understands completely. Your limp will improve. And I believe that one day you will "hear" in your spirit that inaudible good-bye she said to you as she was rising upward with her Lord.
    Bonnie Carlson

  2. Steve,
    Thank you for sharing with such honesty, vulnerability, and integrity of heart and soul. Your writings are like a window into the far-too-often hidden journey of grief that everyone walks through at one time or another. I find, in a surprising way, that your posts are life-giving, healing, and filled with hope. Even in the midst of your deep grief, words of faith, hope, and love flow out of you like rivers of living water. As these waters flow through you, washing, healing, and refreshing your soul, so they are and will continue to do the same for others.
    Many blessings & Great grace to you, dear friend,
    Jacquie