How should I start this?
The past week has been a whirlwind — I left last Wednesday for Santa Fe, New Mexico to teach our Journey to Transformation, “Beginner’s Course.” It was a wonderful time, the Lord touched each heart in special ways. The all day Saturday teaching took a toll on my voice and I caught a cold in that process. Got home on Sunday night and then began this three day marathon with the VA. Monday was my VA intake exam and from that the Dr. was so concerned about my left eye that he sent me to the emergency room where I spent the rest of the afternoon and evening. Tuesday it was another hours drive to an eye specialist, and then today I spent all day at the VA in Seattle. Outcome, I have cataracts, but also something the Dr. called “afferent pupillary defect.” I go back next week to see a optical neurologist. That consult before I can have my cataract surgery. Which because of my travels will probably not happen till next year.
That all might paint a bleak picture, but you know something? There is something that is even far greater that puts it all in perspective. I can’t tell you when it started, but somehow in the midst of all of this, within the loss of my dear, precious Marilou…I am experiencing the deepest and richest love relationship with my Abba, Father God that is beyond description. Somehow, I can’t say exactly when, but somehow I began to just cry out to “Daddy.” And as I did, the floodgates of love burst open from me, and from HIM, and it’s like He is closer to me than ever, ever before. And when I get on my knees and cry, “Daddy,” it’s like I melt in His presence. Even today, driving in to Seattle, and driving home from the VA clinic with all the traffic (you may not know how much I hate traffic), it was a wonderful time of sharing our love, one for another. He is my close companion, more than ever. My sense of His presence is keen, and I am so wonderfully open in my conversation with Him. I am flooded even as I write this with the waves of His overwhelming love and grace for me. The other day I asked Him what He wanted to say to me, and I heard, “Isaiah 43.” Which says, But now, this is what the Lord says – he who created you, o Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel; ‘Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord your God, The Holy One of Israel, your Savior.
Daddy and me. It’s more precious and tender and deep and overwhelming than I could possibly describe. Into that place of emptyness, my Daddy stepped, and He is kind and tender, and we love each other more and more each day. I still miss her. But now, I just ask Daddy to tell her for me, then I cry, and then we walk some more together. I still cry, I still grieve, I still get my pillow and my sheets all wet with tears and snot, but I don’t do that alone. Yea, I know, I never was alone. But it’s just closer now, with Him.
A few years ago, I asked the Lord to teach me how to walk with Him in the way that Jesus did, always aware, always listening, in the Father’s presence at all times in an intimate way. Somehow, now… that is taking on a new dimension. Thank you, Daddy, Abba… I love you too.
… till next time