Although no one WANTS to go through times like these… the loss of a life-long companion, and the associated grief, but times like this can be a gift to us. Sounds strange, but these times cause…naw, really force us to re-evaluate our lives, our habits, our possessions, the things that we have made a part of our lives, whether intentionally or not.
Now, if it were only the issue of my wife dying and dealing with that, that would be more than enough to make me re-think some things, but when there are other major life issues that are also teetering on the brink… What am I to think? How should I respond? This is not a hypothetical question. Now, I stand face to face with the reality of not having any reliable income source. I have a house we just bought and she lived in for just over one month. Everything that seemed to be “reliable” in my life is now pulled out from underneath me. So what will I do? How do I react?
First, you need to understand that this is not the first time that dire circumstances have stared me in the face. There have been many times through the years, but those were times when I had my love and my lives companion with me and we would help support one another, and encourage one another. This is a challenge I essentially face alone. Essentially. Sure there are wonderful people around, and family is around. But this is not their struggle. It is mine.
Secondly, you must understand that I write this not from a spirit of despair or hopelessness. Not at all. Tonight I have been listening to a beautiful CD from Maranatha Music called. “Be Still and Know.” A combination of music and Scripture. It’s like the Lord and I are having a conversation with this tonight. I know He is near, I know He is the provider… I believe in Him. But there is something more to this wresting in my spirit…something hard to explain.
This was sparked by an article that my daughter Esther posted on Facebook. It was an article by a nurse who tends terminal patients. The article was about the five regrets people had on their death beds.
The article talked about the usual things of wishing they had not worked so much, enjoyed life more, been closer to their friends. But the message of this article resonated a different message to me. What I took from this article was this: There are rare times in our lives when we have the opportunity to stop, take an honest assessment of our lives, and have the opportunity to walk in a new direction, to “re-invent” ourselves. The overwhelming message to me, is that I stand at such a time. My spouse is gone, my “job” is gone… if I could “re-invent” myself now, if I could head off in a new direction… what would that be? Can I really do that at age 63? Why not? But … what?
Again, be careful you do not hear me wrongly. I am not talking about abandoning my faith. Never! I am in a deeper love relationship with my God and Savior now than I have ever been in my entire life. I only want it to go deeper. I love to serve Him and others. I have had the honor of doing and seeing amazing things. Things that few have the privilege of being a part of. I am not turning my back on that. I am deeply, deeply, humbly thankful for all God has allowed me to do in these years. But…
Is this a time, an opening into a whole new future that God is giving to me? I stand at the threshold, and it’s as if “Someone” is asking me what I want to do, who I want to be when I step on the other side of that threshold. And the honest answer to that question is… I don’t know! That’s what is so scary! I am more able, and more willing at this point in my life to take some radical move than I have ever been. I am looking at this whole future of mine, however long it lasts, as my “great adventure” with my Daddy. But right now, I do not know what that should, could, or what I want it to look like.
I do not want the door to close, and I stand here, and then wish I had taken that one step across the threshold. I am more afraid of that than of anything. That I will hesitate too long, and miss this opportunity. So I wonder, and I ponder and I pray… Lord, Don’t let me miss this… even if it seems crazy to everyone, if it is you, I am ready… show me the way. What will that be? Just maybe I’ll have a chance to write it here… someday. maybe someday soon.
….till next time…