So begins a New Year…
Sometimes I think that one of the hardest aspects of the journey of grief is the fact that nothing every stops long enough for you to “catch your breath.” We say this about time anyway because our lives are so filled with hectic activity. But in this new Land of Firsts… this New Year is like a rude intrusion into my life. A New Year? I have not had a New Year where I have been this alone in over forty years. Thinking of Marilou’s tradition of having black-eyed peas and cornbread on New Years day. She always loved holidays. I have bins of decorations for Spring, Summer, Fall and Winter, plus Christmas. It just would not be the same to try to duplicate what was her joy to do.
And I’m not sure I can really get my mind and heart around the fact that this is a New Year without her. Not just a few months…January 3rd is my spiritual birthday – 43 years – and is the fourth month by date, from September 3rd. Only four months, and now I am rudely confronted with the reality that ALL of my future will be without her. I’m pretty sure I am not grasping that at all. Plans, future, dreams and aspirations, all have to be thought of differently now. As a single person.
Yes, I know…many people face this situation, but this is my life, my future. Ok, so I never wanted to feel sorry for myself, and I don’t want to focus on the negative, but there is a matter of “wrestling with reality.” OK, I just need to learn how to think, plan, and pray into my future in light of this new reality. This is part of walking through this “Land of Firsts.” It’s not just looking back in astonishment, it is looking forward and trying to adjust to a totally different reality than one year ago. or 40 years ago. I guess part of it is that my mind is so used to thinking, planning, dreaming for two. Now its different. More “Firsts” in this new land I live in.
I know there will be many, many more “Firsts” on this journey… now I have passed one of the “Milestones” along the way. I will be OK, I will be different, and by God’s grace I will not simply be OK, I will be Caleb who conquers his mountain. By God’s grace, this is the beginning of a new reality. And by God’s grace there will be victories and new heights to conquer. By His Grace.
…until next time…
Forward to a friend