How do I even begin to describe today?

Where did all those sore muscles come from last night? I could barely sleep for the pain, and it hurt to just move. I discovered last night, that the water heater was leaking and needed to be replaced. So no shower this morning as I pulled myself out of bed and got ready to drive to Mt. Vernon for my first VA Medical appointment. I think this will work out OK. Then I got back just in time to make arrangements for the replacement water heater to be installed to the tune of $1,049.00. Great! How long will it take me to pay that one off?

How long does this mish-mash of emotions go on? One moment I am saying to myself, “OK, we are not going to be the victim here, time to get it together and move forward!” The next moment, wondering how long I’ve been in this “fog?”  I know this journey gets easier with time, but how much time will I need? What does “moving on” look like? How long will it seem like the whole world is just whirring in front of me, and I’m living in slow motion? I WANT to get  control of my life, but why does it seem so hard? Things that were so easy before, now seem to take so much extra energy.

Esther, through her work, made some wonderful “Thank You” cards. They came today. So now I can begin to send “Thank You’s” to so many wonderful friends… And to be honest, even that is a mixed blessing. It is so over-whelming to think of all those who sent cards and checks and notes. There is the challenge of trying to know how to even say, “Thanks.”  Then there is the reality (and please don’t take this the wrong way) that most everyone else is now just going on about “life.”  An it should be that way. That’s part of the cycle, I guess.

Then there was the task of bagging up all those beautiful flowers that are now wilting and need to be thrown out… another reminder of the truth of Scripture that our life is like the grass that grows up, then withers and dies. Another step in “moving on” I guess. Anybody need some vases?

Then, there was that reminder today that the Lord really is watching out for me. A friend from Romania called on Skype. Said that I had been on  his mind for some weeks, and then he talked with a mutual friend and heard from them about Marilou. His wife has been battling health issues for years. My eyes were so full of tears at how wonderful it was that the Spirit of God would touch him to pray for me half-way around the world, when he had so clue what was going on. Even writing of it now brings tears to my eyes.

And so, things move on… I want to move on, I don’t want to be “stuck” here. And I suppose I am not really “stuck,” that all of this is indeed part of the “moving on.” I know that Marilou would want me to “flourish” and grow in this new stage of my life. I want to as well. And I know the Lord wants that. But there are still a lot of questions, a lot of “unknowns” that hang in the air like a thick fog sometimes.

Am I depressed? No, I don’t think so, I think this is just grieving, and there  is no shortcut. I wish there was, but there isn’t. “Even though I walk through the dark valley of death, because you are with me, I fear no harm. Your rod and your staff give me courage.” Ps. 23 4, God’s Word version. Yes, Lord… Your rod and your staff give me courage. And so, despite the questions, You and I will walk through this valley together. And you know the reason there is a shadow in this dark valley? Because there is light on the other side. I say, “YES” to you, Lord. P.S. You did see that water heater bill didn’t you? (and we both chuckle together).

Heading out to prayer meeting tonight. It will be good to be with friends.

Forward to a friend