Tuesday… for some reason, today was a “weepy” day. It seems like I could hardly go an hour without the tears flowing. Kinda like that old 60’s song, “it feels like rain drops, so many rain drops. It feels like rain drops, falling from my eye-eyes, fallin from my eyes.”
Some days seem to be like that. Yesterday I made it most of the day, except in the evening, writing “Thank You” cards. Today? All day it’s been feelin like rain drops, fallin from my eyes. Twice now I have described it this way: Now, more than ever before I understand what the Lord means when he says that in marriage, “the two shall become one flesh.” There are dimensions of that not many people talk about the other side of the grave. On the living side… we say it, but we don’t know the depths of that truth. And now? I HAVE A GAPING HOLE IN MY SIDE! OH, it’s not a neat, clean surgical cut of some extremity, oh no! This is like someone stuck his hand in your gut and just ripped it all out, leaving all the jagged edges, and bones, and blood vessels and nerve endings all just hanging there. And then of course, your supposed to walk around like everything is ok. Can’t they see it? It’s horrid, it’s aweful, and painful, and it all just hangs there. Sorry to be so graphic…well, not really. You’re reading this, you might as well know it the way it is. I’m not going to try to sugar-coat it.
People talk about triggers. You want to know some of my triggers lately?
Worship! Yea that’s a trigger… I’m in church, in worship, and I begin to think, and to wonder what it’s like for her there, in His Presence… what kind of joy she must have. How her face must just beam with adoration. How her longings to be with Him are fulfilled now. And I have a connection there. I’m glad for her, but it’s hard on this side.
Another trigger – clouds... yea clouds. The beautiful clouds that fill the sky here in Washington, and then I think how we would be driving together and both of us commenting on how we love the clouds…then it starts raining… hey, what’s that salty water doing in my mouth?
Grocery shopping... I almost didn’t go into the Albertson’s tonight to do my shopping. Those rain drops were showing up again. Remembering going together up and down the isles, a chore we did most of the time together. Ha! now it takes me half the time and one third the bucks, but what I wouldn’t trade to have it back the way it was.
Triggers… they are those loose nerve endings that are still dangling from this gaping wound in my side. Now, imagine trying to go about your regular work and routine with such a gaping hole in your side… now you know why I might be a bit slow, or not be keeping up, or not “with it” like I used to be… don’t you see this hole in my side?
Oh, yea…. sorry, you can’t see it… probably from the outside, I look pretty normal… eyes are a little red, but I’m looking to everyone else like a fairly normal guy. Except for this massive, open wound.
Oh well, I have to go put the groceries away, and finish that sermon for Sunday on “Patience, waiting for the return of Christ…” Oh,oh… there comes the rain again. Have to work on the book tonight too, then finish up for the “Renewal of Vows” for Friday night… yup, life goes on.. gaping hole and all…
…till next time…
Forward to a friend