It was an interesting night tonight… One of those “encounter” kind of things.

The day was great. Esther and Tony came over, we had lunch together and walked Steve the dog… yea, their dog’s name is Steve…. then we came home and had some hot chocolate together, and they went home. I am so very, very glad they are close… it would be a lot harder if I didn’t have any family around here. I can’t imagine how that would be

Evening came and I have been trying to make it a habit of attending the Saturday evening worship with the folks of Monroe Community Chapel. Then I can be free to visit with the other churches on Sunday mornings. I like having the “bigger” family of God in the city.

Pastor Scott McClure has been preaching on our seeking after the Father’s heart. At the end of the message he challenged us to surrender to Christ. And it was like the “raindrops keep falling from my eyes” theme all over again. The Lord was speaking so clearly to me in  all of His gentleness, grace and love… “Steve, you have to surrender to me  your wondering why.” It was the theme of the GriefShare group on Wednesday, and now here it was again. Only now, with infinite mercy, the Lord was asking me if I would surrender to him that great big lump in my chest… the thing that makes me cry out in agony more than anything else… “Lord, I don’t understand what’s happened… I don’t understand!!!”

It’s not like I have been holding this against God. I’m not angry. It’s just that everything happened so fast, and whizzed by like a shot, and now I’m 42 days from the time she left. It seems to long ago, yet so fresh, so new, so unknown. There are times when I can hardly grasp that she is not here. I miss her so, very much, and now…

After the service was over, Pastor Scott must have seen I was in distress. Of course I was crying and blowing my nose through the whole closing prayer… that’s kind of a dead give-away! And then,  he asked how I’m doing. I just could not hold it back. He was very kind and prayed with me. It was a tender moment. I needed that. Thanks Pastor Scott.

There are two things here that now I’m trying to get into my “being.” First, I know I will not  have the answer to my question of why. I know that. And even in those moments when I am tearfully crying out to Him in the darkness of my alone-ness, I really don’t expect Him to tell me why. But here it was, the question, “Steve, will you surrender your ‘why’ to me?”  Yes, Lord… the best I know how, I surrender my “why’s” my “I don’t understand” to you. Help me to leave it with you.

The other thing that I was struck with this evening, even before the end of the message, and all the “why” stuff. It was like the Lord reminding me that as big as my grief may seem right now. As “in my face” as the loss is at this point in time, there is something bigger. That something bigger is…Him, His love, His plans, His will.
 It’s kind of like when you have something that is right at the end of your nose…your hand or whatever… at that moment it takes up all of your vision. You can’t see anything else except that thing that is right in your face (remember what I said earlier?) So even when the dark shadow of grief is “in my face” there are bigger things. I just need to be able to recognize that truth, count on it in the “in your face” times, and remember that His bigger things are far greater than I can imagine, if I will surrender myself to Him, His purposes, His grace, His love, into His all-knowing, all-loving hands.

The tears tonight at church, and even as I write (it’s hard to see the keyboard through the tears you know)  were not only about the surrender of the “why’s,” but was also a response to how gently and tenderly He asked me. How can I refuse you, Lord? Your love and mercy are overwhelming even in this time, and yes, I surrender to you my “why’s” and my lack of understanding. I surrender all of this to you so that you can use whatever of this you want for your… BIGGER THINGS.

And Lord… give me strength to surrender it all again…. tomorrow.

Forward to a friend