Good days…

They are what we all want. But what does a good day look like from this perspective?  A good question.

My immediate answer would be to say that a good day is when you don’t break down and sob somewhere embarrassing.  A good day is when you only cry a couple times. For me the hardest time is at those dark hours before going to sleep, when the house is dark (to conserve on electricity I walk around at night with my flashlight to avoid turning on lights – crazy?) and your thoughts turn to what isn’t anymore. That’s probably the lonliest time of the day.

But, back to good days.

A good day is when you feel like you are starting to feel that you can make it like this. It’s a strange kind of realism. You sense that if you can keep pushing ahead and keep your thoughts under control, things will get better. It’s hard to describe because it’s a combination of a feeling of hope, mixed with a feeling of anticipation and at the same time a feeling of guilt. Guilt that you might not always be feeling these depths of grieve all the time. And somehow you’re supposed to. You know that’s not true, but the thinking is still there.

A good day is when you successfully manage to get everything on your shopping list and don’t start tearing up when you start to think about what she would tell you to buy. She had diabetes, so rightfully so, all our menu was built around a diabetic diet. Well no more, baby! Well, maybe without the exclamation point. It means that I learned a lot from her about how to eat healthy, and I still am trying to do that.. but I do get to treat myself once in a while.

Admittedly, a good day is one that is full of activity and busyness, so that thoughts don’t wander much. But that’s ok too. At first, it’s just so hard to focus on anything for long, so to spend a whole day when you are focusing on duties and job and activities really is a first in this Land of Firsts.

A good day is when you can sit across the desk from the gal at the bank and not get tears in your eyes as she reads the death certificate, and closes out her bank accounts. When you can sit there and make conversation with a smile on your face, and try real hard not to have a “victim” look on your face.  Don’t knock it ’till you have to try it!

A good day is when you can get through a long Saturday of doing laundry, and vacuuming and crushing to bits all those pills that she never used. Disposing of them actually in some way feels like you are throwing away a part of her. A good day is when you can remember giving her those meds without losing it because they remind you of what you lost.

A good day is when you take that bag of clothes  you were going to take to Goodwill out of your trunk and take them back inside the house, and hang  up one of her favorite t-shirts and her ball cap… just to remember…and you ONLY tear up a little.

Yea, a good day is really a matter of perspective. But the Lord says that His mercies are new every morning, so you count on that. A good day is when you are receiving more strength from the Lord than you could have imagined, and it makes you feel like, “Yea, we can do this.”

A good day is when you have those little feelings that people really do survive and even thrive in this Land of Firsts, and that with the Lord’s help you want to walk strong, and keep true to Him.

There have been some good days since my last post, and that helps realize that you can have more good days ahead.

….till later

Forward to a friend