“Conflicting Realities” – That’s about the only term that I can come up with to try to describe what has been racing through my mind and heart these past days. They are like parallel universes that I am supposed to be living in all at the same time.

Loss – No matter how anybody puts it, the reality of the sense of loss is everywhere. Every part of life reflects this sense of  loss. The simplest things are constantly overshadowed by the reality that the one that I should be sharing this with, or talking to about this is no longer there. It’s kind of like the character in the Charlie Brown cartoons who always had this cloud hanging over his head. That is about as close as I can get to trying to describe it. It’s not something I “wish” to have there. It’s not even something I “intend” to have there… it’s just THERE! I get to the point where I wish that cloud would just go away, but it doesn’t. It’s not that I “conjure up” this cloud over me…but from the time I wake up in the morning until I lay myself down again alone at night, this reality of loss is with me.  I don’t know if you ever get over that. I suppose it is just like a ill-fitting pair of shoes,  you get used to them hurting, and just keep walking. The “gaping hole” that I described at an earlier time… I suppose it’s always a hole. I just have to learn to live with this hole in my side. I am reminded of it every day. I see a couple walk into the store together and I remember. I get mail addressed to her… the insurance salesman comes to the door to talk to her about medicare…. OH MY GOD!!  I really was nice to him… he had no idea, until I told him. I thought I let him ease out of the situation nicely. But it’s just another reminder of what I don’t have anymore.

Life – The other reality that I have to live in, is that life just keeps on going. Days start, work demands, people live, days end and life goes on. At this point in the journey, it is still a bit difficult for me to keep up with the pace of things. I still feel like I’m going in slow motion. My mind is clouded and my thinking processes are not as fast, so when some “issue” comes up, I am not able to handle it like I used to. That happened this week. Something that I probably could have at least handled more easily, became a virtual knock out punch. Life goes on, but my ability to deal with the other issues of life are weakened.
There’s another part of this “reality” of life that is hard to describe. I feel like, by now, everyone is really tired of all of this and they just secretly wish I’d get over it and move on. HA! That’s how I feel!! I am tired of my living in all of this, and I wish I would just get over it and move on!!!  But I’m trying to figure out how I can live successfully in these parallel realities. Life just goes on whether I’m ready to keep up or not.

 Lessons – I’m not sure how else to name this third reality I’m supposed to be living in. It’s related to what I just said. Somehow, I am supposed to, and I want to… learn “valuable life lessons” from all of this. It almost makes me laugh to say it. Like the real “spiritual” thing to do is to develop from this time, some great, deep and insightful things to share with others.  Now, don’t get me wrong. I actually really want to learn from the things that the Lord wants to teach me. I actually started doing a study from Scripture of what kind of man the Lord would want me to be as I walk ahead with Him. So, I want to learn, I want to grow, I want that perhaps some of these things could be a help to others. It’s just that right now, I feel like it’s way too early,. Today was seven weeks since Marilou died… right here in our house…forty-nine short days ago, she slipped out of this reality, and from my life, and that may seem a long time to some folks, and it’s kind of hard for me to grasp, but maybe, just maybe I’m not ready for any deep spiritual lessons. Maybe I’m still trying to figure out what the questions are!

So here I am… trying to live in these parallel universes of reality. How am I doing? I think I’m doing OK. For someone who is straddling three mutually exclusive, yet intertwined universes. Figure that one out! I suppose given the fact that I wrote all of this without my eyes welling up and overflowing with tears is a good sign. I guess.

…till next time.

.

Forward to a friend