Today was two months since Marilou passed away. There are so many terms you can you for that. “Passed Away” is one. Left, Died (but in the Lord she only started living!!). But two months, it does not seem possible that it has been that long… it does not seem possible that it is only two months. Either one is right…because I feel both at the same time. It seems like a long time in a way. Life has moved forward…kind of… and yet it seems like I remember those last moments like they were yesterday. That moment when my index finger felt the last beat of her heart, and I said to everyone around the bed, “that’s it, she’s gone.” or whatever I said….gets all blurry.

This is also a “First.” It is the first trip I have taken since she left.  I think I actually felt that more yesterday, my day of travel. It’s the first trip I have taken where I didn’t have her to call, and let her know how things are going, let her know that I got here OK. As I was walking through the airport, I had no one to call, and say, I made it. And perhaps the biggest thing that hit me yesterday as I flew into Albuquerque, was that I didn’t have her back home praying for me.   I knew I could always know she was praying.  It was one of those security things that I just kind of, sad to say, took for granted. I mean, I could always rely on the fact that I knew she was praying, and she knew how to pray for me. I missed that a whole lot yesterday as I was traveling.

 Today was the two month anniversary – two months! The kids were so wonderful. Esther texted me, saying she was thinking of me, and Carol emailed saying that she was wearing one of Marilou’s neckaces. And told me that Jonathan prays often for me. That meant a whole lot to me. (oops, it’s the teary eyes again)

It wasn’t as bad as I thought today. I am here in Santa Fe to teach our Journey to Transformation Beginner’s Course, so I had a nice tour of Santa Fe today and then the afternoon of writing, and three hours of teaching tonight. So my day was filled. Esther and Tony and I decided that it was probably better for me than being home in that empty house today. I did have a crying time last night, in the apartment where I am staying, I just knelt down at the couch, and as I began to pray, I just told Abba, Father how much I missed her, and asked Him to tell her that I really, really miss her. That’s enough to get me going every time. The tears continue to flow in rivers, I get everything wet with tears and snot. Right now, even just calling out as I pray, and say “Abba, Daddy…” That’s enough to get me bawling.

Two months, on the road now traveling alone. Another paving stone on this new pathway I am walking. Traveling is a part of the ministry, I like it ok, but it will never quite be the same anymore.  Next month at the three months anniversary, I will be arriving in Brasil, and will honor her desire to scatter her ashes in those places where we prayed and met the Lord. But it will not be the same. I’ll be traveling without my  partner, my soul mate, my wife. It will never be quite the same. But, life goes on, I must go on. Adjust as I must, and seeking how to walk through this Land of Firsts.

… till next time

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