The last few weeks have been a whirlwind…. last week I was in Wisconsin and had a wonderful time teaching at the College of Prayer there. It was a powerful time. Met a dear sister whose husband had only passed away last May. Still fresh…When you meet someone like that, there is a “knowing.” I think especially when it is still so fresh… only five months for me. But there is a “knowing” that others can not grasp unless they have walked in this land. The week was good – and busy. I came back to business and the reality that I have a meeting with my tax man next Monday night. Well, that presented a problem. At the very time that Marilou fell sick, my computers hard drive died as well. Interesting, eh?
But that meant that I lost some data, and… I am W-A-Y behind in trying to get all that data put back into the Quicken files. So I have been trying, between phone calls, and other obligations to get caught up.
So that lead me to a very unexpected “First” tonight. I was going through the checks, inputting them into Quicken…pretty boring and routine… had some music on in the background… just routine… right?
Until I began to input checks for the down payment on the house… for the inspection on the house… the last check I wrote for our old apartment….suddenly a flood of memories and emotions again came rising to the surface… remembering how happy we were… remembering the look on her face when we signed the papers at closing…writing the check for the curtains… for the small rugs for the living room. Memories, Taxes, and Tears. They all came flooding in, and I realized … I was at another one of those signposts along the way in this Land of Firsts.
A welcome chat from a friend in Brazil broke the flood for a while. I explained what I was experiencing. They had wonderful words about God’s faithfulness. I saw it as a divine interruption, but still… Here I am again…tears streaming down my face, snot running down my lip, and it’s like the grief is just as real now, as it was that first day. You know, it’s supposed to get better, or so they say. But you hit one of these “signposts” and it’s like that underground river comes roaring back to life. So… my release is here… writing it out…release..my relief valve. Gosh I miss her!
I met with one of the pastors this morning. The church where we had her memorial. The last church Marilou ever attended on this earth. He is so kind. He met with me before I went to Wisconsin, and said he thought I needed a family here. And they wanted to be that family. I do, I need a family… Not to replace Esther and Tony and Jonathan and Carol, but some folks who will be around here. I was thinking as I came back from my meeting with him how good it would be if I had someone I could just talk to here.
But I find it difficult, because by the time you call, or find someone home, that wave of emotion has crested, and you’re in the lull between waves. So you just kind of ride each wave as it comes until they subside again, and retreat back to that underground river.
It’s not all been so bad. I’ve had some really good days. And things are changing I think. I still feel the void of her absence, but I truly want to venture out in this new season of my life. I was told Monday by a dear friend I need to “follow my heart.” I want to, I just have to figure out what that really is. How does this new house play into that? Where does my income come from? So much is still unknown, unsettled. It’s not like my wife died and I go back to my job and plug away. About the same time, my job has sort of disappeared, my income has disappeared, and EVERYTHING, EVERYTHING in my life is floating in suspended animation. Waiting for what? I’m not sure.
Well, I’ve got to work on these taxes. I’m right at September…and I have to push through to the end of the year. So I’ll slug away here with my Memories, Taxes and Tears…
… till next time…