I wasn’t going to post this, but if I’m going to make this an honest, real-life blog then I figure I’d better at least make a stab at it.
The last couple days actually have been very difficult. It’s not that I don’t smile and interact with people when they talk to me. And I know that even writing this is risky, because then people even more, don’t know how to interact with you. But if you are reading this and wondering that… remember.. it’s not about you. Talk to me like regular, but remember, today when I am talking to you, I might be running a low-grade fever.
No, not an elevated body temperature. This low-grade fever has more to do with a sadness that’s just below the surface. Like Yesterday, Sunday. I knew that the sadness was there. I got up and went to church. But it seems like every song reminded me of her. I wondered how she was doing now, and what it will be like when I see her again. I could picture her smile as we would meet in Jesus presence, only she would be glowing and beaming in His presence. And of course my eyes would fill with tears while everyone around was singing and dancing in worship. It was there, this low-grade fever. And then when the worship time was over and people were greeting one another, I snuck out to my car. When I sat there alone in the car, I just began to cry with my head on my arm… and I drove home. It’s hard. You don’t want people really to know you have the fever, but it’s not like you can react and talk quite the same as normal.
It’s not the kind of thing that words or even actions can soothe. It’s just there. Some days are worse than others. Some days you can go most of the day without any release. But there are always those private times, when no one is looking and your eyes begin to fill with tears and you try to not be seen till things clear up a bit.
They talk about going through grief and feeling a bit crazy. This must be part of that. It probably doesn’t help that when I threw back the covers of the bed this morning, I actually looked over to see if she would be there. She wasn’t of course. It’s still kind of unreal that she is never coming back here. So that low-grade fever just hangs around for a while.
That doesn’t mean I don’t like to be with you, or that Idon’t enjoy being with people. I do, and actually, I don’t mind talking about it. It’s just I’m running a low-grade grief fever… hahaha… maybe it’s like having allergies in the Land of Firsts… eyes water and your nose runs… that must be it. I even got a chuckle out of that one… so now it’s time to try to sleep and maybe tomorrow the low-grade fever will give me a break for a day… maybe.
Forward to a friend